Columbia Conspiracies: Where was everyone last weekend?

Something strange happened in Morningside Heights last weekend. On Thursday morning, I awoke to the sounds of blaring Christmas tunes and distant parades outside. On Friday, the rotten stench of avian meat, possibly turkey, had crept through my window. But most peculiarly, by Saturday I hadn’t seen my roommate, or anybody else, in days. Where was everyone? Did I miss the start of winter break? And what on earth was happening in Morningside Heights?

Photo by Nels Lindquist

Thankfully, campus has returned to normal since the disturbing events of last weekend. Classes are back in session, the pumpkin pie surplus has been reduced, and Ferris is open again. But the mass exodus of students that occurred from the 26th-29th of November cannot go unquestioned. And I’m determined to find some answers.

I haven’t had a chance to ask anyone what happened yet, so for this week’s installment of Columbia Conspiracies, I speculate: where was everyone last weekend?

1. The “Winter Migration” Theory

About this time of year, millions of birds migrate south to warmer climates for the winter. They do so for a variety of reasons, including habitat, climate, and food. Although most Columbia students are not avian creatures, science has proven that we share 65% of our DNA with our winged brethren. With the onset of winter and the sudden decrease in temperature, perhaps natural instinct drove everyone to the warmth of their family homes last weekend. 

2. The “Alien Turkey Abduction” Theory

With everyone suddenly gone, I found myself watching the entire “Men In Black” trilogy in bed. Apart from some probing social criticisms and phenomenal acting from Will Smith, what intrigued me most was the filmmakers’ belief that alien lifeforms were in constant contact with human civilization. In the first film of the trilogy, a cockroach-like arthropod invades earth and abducts humans, leaving behind hundreds of cockroaches in its scheme to destroy the galaxy. Last week, I noticed a dramatic spike of turkey meat on sale. My theory is that a sentient turkey-being invaded earth last weekend, abducting humans in its destructive path. Thankfully though, the men in black saved the day again.

via wikimedia commons

3. The “Everyone Hates Me” Theory

Is it coincidence that literally everyone left campus last weekend, except for me? Did I miss my invite to Mary-Kate Olsen’s wedding? No, I believe that last weekend, the Columbia community actively turned its back on me in order to make me an outcast. Maybe it was the acapella flyer I turned down that one time. Or the student council event I said I’d attend on Facebook but never ended up going to. Or perhaps they’re onto me: people are getting worried that Columbia Conspiracies is starting to unearth the hidden truths on campus and they’re worried they may be next.

Don’t worry fervent readers, this Columbia Conspiracist won’t be pushed around by acts of fear. Whether it was winter migration, turkey abduction, or a plot to destroy me that emptied the Morningside campus last weekend, we’ll uncover the truth.

Until then, wherever happenings don’t quite add up, Columbia Conspiracies will be one step behind.


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