First-years, take note: You are going to have one semester when you are absolutely fucking miserable. There will be nothing you can do to fight it; it’s as inevitable as the person in front of you getting the last white pizza in the Diana.
The best thing you can do is learn to laugh in the face of the shitstorm, and that is exactly where Spectrum comes in: Whether it’s to prepare for your eventual semester from hell or to look back on it, play along with Shitty Semester Bingo™!
While any row on this card is enough evidence that your semester sucked, here are some of the honorable mentions that you can collect:
Ankita Acharya / Staff DesignerStress Culture Connoisseur
Caught in a love triangle more confusing than that telenovela you had to watch in AP Spanish? Congratulations, your semester is shitty because you think with your genitals rather than your brain! It’s hard enough running into that regrettable hook up at JJ’s, but imagine having to live with them for the rest of the semester (moral: don’t hook up with your roommate).Oh, What A Night
Congratulations, your semester is shitty because you neglect other responsibilities in order to go out with your friends! When the bouncers at 1020, Mel’s, and The Heights all know you by name, maybe it’s time to start re-evaluating your nightlife. Just remember: What you consider a legendary night, your friends at state school call Tuesday.Naked and Afraid (and Hungry)
Congratulations, your semester has robbed you of your food, your valuables, and your dignity! Perhaps you saw your reflection and audibly laughed at the shell of yourself that you have become. It’s time to go back to your room (if you didn’t lock yourself out again), take a hot shower, and start learning how to meditate.
In all seriousness: While this semester may not have gone the way you anticipated, all hope is not lost. You have the power to turn your semester around! If you are looking for some help, don’t hesitate to reach out to Columbia’s Counseling and Psychological Services or Barnard’s Furman Center. One day, you will hopefully look back on this semester and laugh.
Miles Greenspoon is a Spectrum staff writer and GS/JTS junior. He has only filled out three spots on this card, so his semester is going surprisingly well. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or @mileshasjokes.