Haven’t found your cuffing bae? Gave up on Tinder? Although its name sounds like a typical morning at Nuss, the app Coffee Meets Bagel connects NYC collegiate singles. If I had to do a Lit Hum analysis of the brand name—if we’re being as heteronormative as those Romans, of course—I’d say that the coffee represents the man’s virility and strength and the bagel represents the woman’s internal warmth and butter boat. How romantic!
The app’s promo video doesn’t make any reference to either of these breakfast foods (still in the dark about that). Basically, an awkward guy who admits to his imperfections and doesn’t know how dryers work is matched with an ambitious blonde who is way out of his league. Spoiler: They laugh together at the end, the promised coffee and bagel still MIA. See for yourself.
More importantly, the app analyzed data from over 25,000* users and generated some shocking statistics. They compared men and women from the Fashion Institute of Technology, St. John’s, Fordham, NYU, and Columbia. I promise this data will have you simultaneously surprised, proud, and a little confused.
*Bish, where? This is a questionable sample size in my opinion.CU boys are the most attractive
Wait, what? This calls for some celebrating—someone finally thinks our men are hot af. Everyone, give a round of applause to the salmon bros and Adidas hoes of Columbia because, somehow or another, they earned this title. Keep hitting the books and the gym, fellas.We have the chattiest females
Are we surprised? The app doesn’t clarify what the ladies are chatting about, though. If I had to take one guess, I would say conversations center around dead, old, white men, such as Homer, Plato, and the like. Thank you, Core, for giving us the power to weed out the bums by scaring them with our pretension.CU Singles are assertive
As demonstrated by our protesters on Low Steps, Columbia students sure aren’t meek. Who knew our protests in the street could translate over to our assertiveness in the sheets? This could also explain why we produce so many billionaires. We like big bucks, and we cannot lie.
While Coffee Meets Bagel might have some suspicious statisticians, they certainly make for some quality humor.
Are you surprised by any of these stats? Comment down below, Tweet us, or Snapchat us @CUspectrum.
Isabella Monaco is a Barnard College freshman and a Spectrum staff writer. She prefers her coffee and bagel separate. Reach her at email@example.com.
Graphics courtesy of Coffee Meets Bagel.