Was your roommate naughty, or just plain awful? That’s all we wanted to know. Whether you wanted to rant about your past or present roommate didn’t matter, you just needed to spill some tea anonymously. The incentive? The opportunity to win some Muji madness.
Some of you have cringed at unfavorable memories of flatulence, bitchiness, and despair. Relationships have been ruined. Now, Spectrum is here to reveal the worst roommate stories.
Runner-Up #5: Filthy fables
“I used to call my old roommate ‘Princess Annie’ because I was certain that she had never done work in her life. This girl lived in absolute filth. She ate hard-boiled eggs and stored them in her mini-fridge, but when she peeled them, she legit left yolk and egg shells on the floor AND NEVER CLEANED THEM UP. One of her specialities was leaving empty cups of yogurt on the radiators all year. Toward the end of the year, THE ENTIRE ROOM SMELLED LIKE FLATULENCE AND DESPAIR. I legit thought we were just super gassy or some shit, but I later found out it was rotting yogurt. The perhaps grossest thing was that she took out her contact lenses and just flicked them onto the floor where they melted. Super sweet girl, just had terrible cleaning skills. I do not live with her this year.”
Runner-Up #4: Pregnancy test chronicles
“Last year I had a suitemate who lived next to me, and I could always hear her having sex with her boyfriend. Once, an hour after hearing a moan come from her room, I saw that there was a pregnancy test in our bathroom trash can. If you’d had decent sex ed, you would know that you need to wait at least a week or two for the test to work. Unfortunately, my suitemate didn't and she continued to waste money buying pregnancy tests right after having sex for the rest of the semester.”
Runner-Up #3: Shower bish saga
“So my suitemate is [a] fucking bish. One day, I WAITED AN HOUR FOR HER TO GET OUT OF [THE] SHOWER. In the beginning, I thought it would only take 30 mins max so I waited BUT THEN NOOO, IT WAS A FUCKING HOUR AND MORE. So I knocked on the door, like come on save water save the Earth, bish. She got mad at me after that and avoids me all the time but I don't really care because I dislike her anyways.”
Runner-Up #2: Aggressive adventures
“My suitemate my freshman year was the WORST. She had several outbursts consisting of slamming doors, blaming the suite for her problems, etc. The worst of them all was when she she tried to punch her roommate when she was drunk and had to be restrained by others in the suite. I'm glad I don't live with her anymore, but I can't help but think of the suffering her current suitemates must endure.”
Runner-Up #1: Yeast-filled tragedy
“My roommate got a yeast infection and made me help her while she was applying the treatment.”
Winner: The straight-up asshole
“My roommate was awful. I lived with her for a year before I was driven out. She intimidated me so much (very unusual for me) that I would just stay in my room while she was in the house. I would find half-eaten fruit everywhere and toenail clippings on the ground. She was furious at me when I had my mum stay in my room, and even my mum stayed huddled up in the bedroom every day until She Who Must Not Be Named left the house. Considering that I'm a Middle Easterner, it was pretty weird to hear her tell me how ‘ethnic cleansing of Muslims’ was, in her words ‘very reasonable.’
At the end of the year, I moved out. As I was moving my boxes to the apartment across the road, I received no help at all. She saw me struggling, and I was trying to open the door with all my boxes in my arms, [and] the door sliced open my arm. I entered with blood literally flowing out, carrying three boxes, and she was there. She stood facing the door, looked at me for a few seconds, blood and all, walked into her room, and closed the door loudly. I was shocked. She did however come out 20 or so minutes later to chastise me about having used her kettle all year.”
Thank you to everyone for your submissions, and congratulations to our (finally) lucky winner. I’m sorry all of you had to deal with these people, but at least you anonymously exposed them.
Huber Gonzalez is a Columbia College sophomore and Spectrum’s associate editor in charge of user-generated content. He’s surprised his roommate didn’t send in any stories to this contest. Reach him at email@example.com to ask him about his horror stories.
Disclaimer: Responses have been edited for clarity and length. You guys sent long af rants.