It’s the classic finals problem: You roll out of bed at 10:23 a.m. (if you’re disciplined) and it’s the first morning of reading week. You trudge over to Butler only to find that every seat is already taken. Same thing goes if you’re a night studier. At 10:23 p.m. it’s just as packed. Seems like it’s nearly impossible to get a table in Butler ever. (Well, that’s technically not true.)
Here’s the plan. You’re going to get a seat in Butler tonight, and you’re going to do it by taking advantage of people whom we’ll affectionately label “Deserters.” Deserters are library seat-hoggers who either a) finished all their work and left, or b) tried to pull an all-nighter, spent the whole damn time on Columbia Buy Sell Memes, gave up, and then left.
Deserters generally leave around 4 a.m., though you’ll see the weaker or more efficient of them heading out at 3 a.m. and the more tenacious fellas exiting by 5 a.m. Your mission is simple: Turn up fresh-faced just as they leave. Wave a jolly goodbye as their burned-out forms limp past the security desk, then claim their empty (but still warm) seats.
Bye, you sleep tight now.
Ok, but how are you not going to be a blundering zombie at 5 a.m.? How are you going to be in any state to study at a stupid hour like that? Simple. All you need to do is alter your sleep schedule. And no, it’s not that hard. You may have tried it before.
Let’s get started. This schedule aims to get you awake by 4:30 a.m. and in Butler by 5 a.m. ready to seat-swoop.
A note about sleep lengths
Sleep in increments of 1.5 hours. REM sleep cycles usually occur in one-and-a-half-hour intervals, so if you wake up 7.5 hours after falling asleep, you’ll actually feel more rested than getting your generally recommended eight-hour rest. Our schedule’s going to give you 7.5 hours of sleep because we’re generous.
Change this bad boy timetable up as much as you’d like, whether that means sleeping only six hours instead of 7.5 (if you’re a real baller), or starting on a day other than Monday.
Graphic by Amanada Frame / Design Editor
Alternatively, you can abandon this altogether and just go study somewhere else. But if you’re a Butler Bish at heart, we gotchu.
Sophia Hotung is a Barnard junior and Spec’s 140th Spectrum editor. Catch her and Huber Gonzalez, Spectrum’s Snapchat Lord, following this timetable and hitting up Butler during the wee hours of finals season. If you see them, give ’em a shout. They’ll give you a hug. Reach Sophia at firstname.lastname@example.org
Gifts via giphy.com